


It Might Take a Lifetime, But Somehow We'll See It Through

by TARDISTraveller42



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Crew as Family, Early Days, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Kathryn Janeway Needs a Hug, Mother-Son Relationship, Voyager season 1
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:39:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27950132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TARDISTraveller42/pseuds/TARDISTraveller42
Summary: Three weeks into Voyager's long trip home, and Kathryn Janeway finally has time to consider the ramifications of her decision at the Caretaker's Array.
Relationships: Kathryn Janeway & Harry Kim
Comments: 4
Kudos: 21





	It Might Take a Lifetime, But Somehow We'll See It Through

It Might Take a Lifetime, But Somehow We’ll See it Through

Kathryn did not let herself reconsider her decision. She couldn’t. Mostly because there was so much to do. Kazon ships were everywhere; enemies waited around every moon to attack or to threaten or to steal. And onboard, there were positions to be filled and standards to keep. She didn’t have an Admiral giving orders anymore; every assignment and every mission were created by either her or Chakotay. 

But there was a moment, about three weeks into their long journey home, when suddenly she found herself with a night off. Chakotay and the Doctor had ordered her to rest, and neither of them would take no for an answer. Even Tuvok joined their plot, delegating all of her work to other members of the crew. It was a little heartwarming to know that these three men, whose experiences were so different and so varying, had all made a unilateral decision to keep her healthy. But irritating, too.

Most of all, her night off was a scary prospect.

She didn’t know what would happen when she was faced with her own thoughts. Sleep often claimed her out of sheer exhaustion, lulling her into a void until it was time to get back to the Bridge. Walking, as she was, down the hall with nothing to do except exist and wave to the officers she passed...this was properly terrifying. 

With the weight of the universe on her shoulders, Kathryn decided to head to the Mess Hall. Maybe coffee wasn’t exactly a ‘relaxing’ beverage, but it made her feel better emotionally. And besides, Neelix always managed to put a smile on her face. And if Kes was visiting, she’d be in no shortage of company.

But when Kathryn entered the darkened Mess Hall, she found no sign of Neelix nor Kes. Shadows filled the spaces usually occupied by seats and tables, blurring everything on the opposite side of the room into strange shapes she couldn’t quite make out. 

She almost walked out of the room to find a cheerier place to explore. But then her eye caught the window; the view. Hundreds if not thousands of stars glistened out there. They dotted the impossibly black sky in a beautiful pattern that was almost too wondrous to be wholly scientifically based. 

How many worlds existed because of those stars? How many stories had been told of them, and because of them? And why was it that, with all of those wonderful stars and stories and worlds, Kathryn only longed for one star in particular?

The windowsill was cold to the touch, just like her windowsill back home. And for a moment, as she stared out into the sky, Kathryn could pretend she really was back in her home in Indiana. A clear night, with the stars above. No moon, though, which made everything below those stars pitch black. And tomorrow morning, she’d go out and check on the dog and maybe go for a horseback ride with Mark. 

Yes, this was Indiana. A gorgeous night, just the right temperature to allow her to take off her jacket and stand in her gray undershirt instead. If she waited long enough, she’d see the starships taking off up above, going off on their missions and their explorations. But for her, life was fine. Life was calm. Life was-

A sound suddenly called her back to the Mess Hall. It wasn’t a door swooshing open, or Neelix operating his strange cooking contraptions in the kitchen. No, this was a much more basic sound. Human. Crying.

“Harry?” she asked, jaw dropping as she realized she was not as alone in here as she thought. 

The Ensign sat at a table near the replicator, head resting in his arms. When she spoke, he lifted his head. He sniffed, and then wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand.

“Captain,” he said, standing as he became aware of her. “Sorry, I didn’t hear you come in.”

“At ease,” she said, gesturing for him to sit back down. “Mind if I join you?”

“No. Of course not.”

The chair screeched against the floor as she dragged it to his table, and for a moment Kathryn felt guilty for intruding. Harry had a right to be alone. Especially when he’d obviously been upset about something. There was no way he actually wanted her here. 

But in that moment, Kathryn couldn’t help but be selfish. She needed company more than she’d thought. And better yet, she needed to be with someone who had a problem she could help solve. Anything to distract her from her constant cycle of guilt and sadness and longing.

“I like to sit in here sometimes,” Harry said, sitting up straight and looking out the window to his left, “the view’s the best one on the ship.”

“It is,” agreed Kathryn. She followed his gaze, and felt herself drawn into those alluring stars once again. Before she could lose herself, she shook her head and turned back to him. “Harry, how have you been adjusting?”

His eyes turned from the stars to the floor. 

“Well,” he started, and then stopped. He fidgeted with the back of his chair for a moment before twiddling his thumbs on the tabletop instead. “It’s been tough. You know,” he said with a shrug, trying a smile to make his words seem nonchalant. 

Harry was a bad actor. Especially when his eyes, even in the dark of the Mess Hall, were clearly displaying a different expression than his smirking lips.

Kathryn tilted her head, trying to meet his eye. But every time she got close, he turned just a little further away from her. By the time he was ready to speak again, he was staring out at the stars again.

“I’ve never gone this long without talking to my folks.” His smile faltered as he clasped his hands on his lap. He stayed like this for a short moment, and then plastered that fake grin on his face again. “When I was younger, we went on this field trip to the moon. I remember being terrified because transporters couldn’t get us from there back to Earth; we had to take a shuttle to transporter range.” He looked out at those stars again, then to his captain. “Guess we’re a bit further out than the moon now.”

Kathryn watched Harry’s smile fade and then disappear altogether. She thought he might cry again, but if he wanted to, he held it in. 

Guilt shot through her chest, burning more than any phaser wound she’d ever received. If she had only made a different decision, on that fateful day...Or if they’d been a little faster, and had reached the Maquis ship sooner...If she’d spoken to the Caretaker for a few more minutes; convinced him to send them home…

“Captain?” 

Looking up, Kathryn found Harry watching her. His head was tilted in a way that made him look even younger than he was, if that were possible. And that boyish little smile...he wasn’t meant to be out here, braving a brand new quadrant. None of them were meant to be here. This was supposed to be a quick mission. Short trips around the Milky Way, maybe out to see Vulcan every now and then. That was all.

But she couldn’t mope. Especially not in front of a member of her crew. She had to be strong. And she had to at least feign confidence; strength. For them. 

Always, for them. Her brave, wonderful crew. They’d already dealt with so much hardship; lost so many people. They needed her. And they needed her to be larger than life.

Sitting up straighter, Kathryn gave Harry a warm smile.

“Sorry, Ensign. I must’ve gotten lost in thought.”

He smiled to himself, glancing from her to the replicator. 

“I was wondering if you wanted anything from the replicator? I’ve got extra rations this week.”

Kathryn had to admit she was proud of him. Not many were brave enough to try Neelix’ food (bless him, but one taste of that ‘leola root’ and she was practically worshiping her replicator), and replicator rations were a prized commodity these days. She’d nearly run out of them herself this week, mostly on coffee and other less-than-nutritious supplements.

“You keep them,” she said, patting him on the arm. “But thank you for the offer.”

“Of course, Captain.”

As she stood, a rush of dizziness hit her head. Damn; too long without sleep again. At least Harry hadn’t noticed.

“I’d better get some shut eye,” she said, shaking her head to clear it.

When her head did clear, she found Harry looking even younger than ever. She swore she could see the fear in his eyes, as if he didn’t want her to go. As if he hated being alone, even though he’d walked here by himself and had chosen to sit in the dark of his own volition. 

“Harry?”

“Yes, Captain?” He sat up straight, eyes bright and wide.

Kathryn smiled softly, mostly to herself. Then, meeting his eyes and setting a strong hand on his shoulder, she said, “We’ll get home someday.”

Now, she’d been told countless times that you should never make promises you can’t keep. They made a point to tell commanders-in-training that your crew is not your family. Your crew is your crew, and you must maintain a distance. You mustn’t grow attached. You mustn’t become friends. But here, in the dark Mess Hall, 70,000 lightyears from home, staring at this frightened young Ensign who was trying to hide the fact that he’d been crying for his home...here, those elegant words didn’t mean much. Those training manuals felt sterile; inhuman. 

And as time passed and the Delta Quadrant grew familiar, Kathryn was finding that humanity was not their weakness out here. It was their greatest strength. 

Humanity. Family. Friends. These were the things that would get them home. These were the things they could not replace with regulations or Starfleet protocols. 

“I know, Captain,” Harry said, with an unexpectedly optimistic smile. “You’ll get us there.”

Just like that, Kathryn felt the weight of the universe settle on her shoulders again. But this time...this time it felt manageable. She felt capable. 

Her crew was behind her, 100%. And they were going to get home. 

No matter how long it took...they were going to get home.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Don't hesitate to leave a comment; I love hearing from you all!


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